Please Hold

Post from Elaine (@elainepixie) relating the trials of negotiating modern technology:

"Wrote this li'l poem, inspired and informed by thoughts occurring during the real phone call I made to my GP surgery this afternoon. It will no doubt be a familiar scenario for many. Imagine, if you will, that this was spread over 32 minutes... I call it 'Please Hold'. 😊 (Small quantity of colourful language.)"


Please Hold

Your call is in a queue.

Mu-sic starts to
Pound my ear drums
And a-ttack my brain
It is clear-ly
Spe-cially writ-ten
To drive me in-sane
It re-peats in
Sing-le beats with
No res-pite at all
No-thing ap-proach
-Ing a tune I
Think I'll end this call
That is what they
Want you to do!
You can't let them win
You can do this
How much lon-ger
Can they play this din
Where do they get
This crap mu-sic
It must be de-signed
By a mach-ine
For the pur-pose
Of fuck-ing my mind
Ah it's end-ed
Sweet re-lease please
Play a new re-frain
It can't be as
Bad oh fuck they're
Start-ing it a-gain

Here I am ten
Cy-cles la-ter
Knee-ling on the floor
Star-ing out the
Win-dow though my
Eyes can see no more

Press one for appointments.

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...

Three.

Ring ring
Ring ring
Oh joy
I'm there
Not long
To go

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...

Three.

O-kay
Not there
Just yet
But soon
Pre-pare
To speak

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...

Three.

Oh God
I'm stuck
Help me
How long
Will I
Be here

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...

Three.

Lost track
How long
I've been
At three
Hate num-
Ber one

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...
Two.

Progress!
Punch air
Be quick
I beg
New num-
Ber one

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...

Two.

Sus-pense
Pain-ful
Will to
Live is
Slip-ping
A-way

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...

Two.

This line
Is for
Ap-point
-Ments fuck
What takes
So long

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...

One.

That's it!
Get set
To speak...
Ring ring
Ring ring
Ring ring

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...

One.

Argh no!
Not there
Still one
Ba-stard
A-head
Of me

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...

One.

Feet dead
Shift legs
Re-ward
In reach
Please please
Please please

Please hold. Our staff are currently dealing with other patients. Your call will be answered as soon as possible.

You are caller number...

One.

Soon now
Pre-pare
Clear throat
Do not
Hang up
In shock

Hello - reception. How can I help?

I open my mouth and try to start speaking
But what is that sound?
I appear to be squeaking!
Such eons have passed since commencing this call
My voicebox has aged
Barely functions at all

So I squeak my request
My name, D.o.B,
And I get my appointment
I'm a jollier me
I'm glad I hung in there
Achievement is mine
As I write in my diary
Smear test app't - nine.